Friendship, Hospitality, and Commerce

Our students with Marina, the incredibly hospitable hotelier on Santorini

The single most remarkable feature of Greek culture that continues to astound me is the way that relationships are prioritized.

I begin with commerce and hospitality.  My students are always shocked within the first two days that someone gave them a "free gift" whether it is some dessert or fruit at the end of a meal or a small item at a tourist shop.  This just never happens in the US.  Partly because most stores and even restaurants are chain stores, and they don't have the flexibility as one student observed:  the owner of a store in the US is rarely at the checkout counter to make the decision to give something away, whereas often in Greece that is exactly who is in the store or serving you at dinner.  Partly gift-giving and personal connection just aren't our culture.  Hospitality and commerce are completely disconnected.  We want anonymity and efficiency out of our shopping experiences, not a relationship!  Because bargaining is part of lived experience here, it is more common to need to talk to buy something.

Free dessert after a meal:  watermelon, honeydew, and nectarines... delicious!

When the first student came rushing up to tell me their story this year, we were on a major tourist island, and I thought, cynically, "Well, they don't realize this yet, but it is a strategy."  The American experience has ingrained the idea that time is money so if you take up someone's time, you are obligating yourself to buy something.  I know that this isn't true in Greece, but what about gifts?  Does accepting a gift create an obligation to buy something?  I feel like it would in America.  And even here, there are situations where that happens.  In Monastiraki, men come up with some kind of compliment and tie a bracelet around your wrist, and then demand money for the "gift."  When Phil and I experienced generosity from a shopkeeper on the same tourist island, I realized that the situation didn't make sense purely as a strategy in our case, as we were not possibly going to be repeat customers.  I started asking Greek friends about the custom, and observing where and when I saw it happening.  Sure, at a restaurant, the "free dessert" is given to everyone and must ultimately be built into the cost of the meal, but I don't think it is a deliberate strategy to get more business.  It is just the custom of the country.  At the produce market, my students often got free fruit from their favorite vendors.  Of course a taste is a way to differentiate a product and get more business, but one man gave Ellie two pieces of delicious melon (which of course we bought) and a whole apricot, and a whole orange, which he peeled for her with his handy knife.  He seemed to be enjoying watching her enjoy the fruit.  He thought she was cute and wanted to interact with her.  That has happened to her several times.  After being here for some time I've realized that often people weren't really doing it to obligate me, but rather for its own pleasure.  If it yields a sale, great, but that wasn't the point.  It is too widespread, and in too many contexts where it wouldn't be a successful strategy, to be merely a sales strategy.  And there is too much obvious pleasure in the experience.  And when I've not bought something from someone who has given Ellie a gift, I never have the sense that I've broken a rule by walking away.  I think in Greece that the pleasure of giving is recognized.  Generosity feels good, and that feeling is valued.  Not everything is about money, even in a tourist shop.  Hospitality is valued.  To an American, that is shocking.

Ellie bought a hat, and the store owner insisted on adding an inner band to make sure it fit.  He also took the time to clip off all the stray threads and make sure the shape was just right before he gave it to her. Maybe not hospitality, but a pride in his work that I think is related.  He took 15 minutes of extra time to make sure she walked out with a perfectly fitted hat, even though we'd already agreed the price.  The extra attention was his choice, not a sales tactic.

Next is the easy relationships formed with repeated encounters.  The emphasis on human connection means that when you return to a place, you are recognized.  The butcher, the baker, the periptero owners, the grocery owners, and the deli man in our neighborhood recognize us.  It makes going shopping take a few minutes longer, but infinitely more pleasurable.  I get eggs and a strong sense of belonging.  Just yesterday, Phil, Jeremiah, Ellie and I went to a restaurant in Psirri (Enastron -- "under the stars") that we had visited once last year and loved.  As she was taking our order, the waitress seemed to recognize us and asked us in Greek if we had been there last year, the summer before.  Yes!  We had!  But how on earth could she possibly have recognized us!   We had been there once a year before.  Perhaps it wasn't a tourist neighborhood, so maybe we were unusual?  Maybe.  Perhaps we look different, maybe because of Ellie?  But Ellie hadn't been with us last year.  Maybe this particular woman has a scary-good memory for faces?  That seemed the most likely.  But that isn't the only experience we've had like that.  I can think of at least 3 other places where a single visit one summer is remembered a year later.  Many people seem to have an ability to recognize us from one visit.  Even in a tourist shop where they must see thousands of people each year.  In all those places we actually bought something, or had lunch, so perhaps they only recognize customers, but even so, that has to be a lot of faces.  I couldn't do that.  But many people here seem to.  Faces are important.  Recognition is important.

Finally there are the friendships I've made in Greece.  With most of my friends, we had a connection 20 years ago through proximity (many of my friends were roommates with me at Oxford, or friends I met while there), and yet we have just as strong a connection today.  It isn't just one or two friends, but all of them.  Friendship itself is valued.  I'm struck when talking to my Greek friends how many of their friends they have known since childhood, or high school.  Friendship seems to come fairly easily and lasts forever, at least in my experience. I'm also struck by what gets discussed and for how long when we visit.  There is the catching up, of course, but there is often more than that... a patience when listening to each other that invites serious conversation.  My friends are willing to spend a lot of time discussing something going on in my life.  I never feel an urge to switch the topic to keep things balanced or that sense that I'm taking too long.  I just return the favor, and ask a lot of questions about whatever is on their mind.  It is a different kind of courtesy.  At home I feel like often the courtesy is to not take up too much of someone's time with your problems, but here I feel like it is courteous to spend the time to go into depth.  Conversations are not about taking turns, but about mutual exploration, care for each other, and love of conversation itself.  Conversation itself is valued.  I don't think that is always true at home.

And then there are the friends of friends.  I've met several people through my friends who have also become friends that I seek out every time I come. These are not people that I have shared experience with, so the conversations are different.  They ramble across our families, whatever our shared connection is (the friend, a shared school), and then into politics, or culture, or books, or current events, or religion.  These connections begin with some common element but then seem to continue on the strength of conversation alone.  The people I've met this way feel surprisingly open to me, and seem to enjoy thinking, exploring a topic together.  And what begins as an accident -- a shared friend-- matures into a shared exploration of the world, and an independent friendship on its own.

There is a pattern here, of course.  Relationships are valued in ways that lessen the emphasis on efficiency with time or money.  And the path to relationships is conversation, whether it is the little interchange about where I am from with a tourist shop owner or the in-depth discussions with friends. And even where there is no friendship --yet (there is always that potential!) -- recognition of even the tiniest connection of repeated encounters is important. That different hierarchy is refreshing and to me a lot of what I love best about Greece. Our shared humanity is prioritized.