Food and Love

For some reason, I've been noticing Greek table etiquette this visit.  We sit down at a table and the waiter brings water.  Someone opens the bottle and pours for everyone.  The bread arrives in a basket with forks, knives and napkins. Someone distributes them.  I notice that my Greek friends always over-order (and then often insist on paying). 


Once the food arrives, there are more communal tasks to be done:  the large chunk of feta on the salad needs to be broken up. The lemon on the horta or the octopus needs to be squeezed.  The saganaki or brizole needs to be cut up.  Always one person takes charge and completes a task for the group, and then passes the dish around, or actually serves the others.  It feels very motherly to me, and very loving.  I particularly notice the contrast because when I eat with the students, they don't know to do those things. They have said themselves that they are not particularly good even at passing food around.  The more I notice the contrast, the more I find myself taking on the role, imitating my friends, modeling for my students, sharing the responsibility. It feels important to me as an expression of care and love, which is why it feels maternal.  But it isn't -- my male Greek friends do it as often as my female friends.  One of my friends told me that that is how she knew someone was interested in her, if he noticed when her plate was empty, or if she particularly liked something.  I really love communal eating for all the opportunities there are to actually break bread together.  I heard this spring an NPR story on an experiment about the impact of sharing food -- not just eating together, but actually eating the same food.  There is some evidence that it creates trust or empathy -- it has an effect on how fast two parties can come to an agreement.  In Greece, the culture is built around strengthening relationships, and their eating habits really reflect that.  They typically order for the table and mostly share everything (often main courses as well as appetizers), which involves a lot of negotiation, compromise, and communication to accomplish.  They then eat the same things, building trust as the NPR article suggests.  On top of that, I think everyone is paying attention to those around them:   How many are we and how many pieces should this be cut into? Who has not yet had this and where should I pass it?  How much should I take given who has not yet had it?  What do we do with the last piece? Whose glass is empty? Who particularly liked this and should be offered some more. When I am thinking like this, I pay much more attention to others than I do to my own plate -- but it gives me enormous pleasure to be part of what makes the meal pleasant.  It offers multiple opportunities to demonstrate care.  We notice each other and eat in sync to maximize the pleasure of others.  What a way to express love.